NATHAN BASSETT
From: The Advertiser
April 29, 2011

SEASON 2011 looks all but over for the Crows and the Power. Nothing like a never say die attitude, who should hang up the boots first?
Yes, I know it is only round six and there are a lot of games to go but let’s face it, it’s not looking like we have much to look forward to for the rest of the year. If your glass were half full you may remember ’97′ with both Brisbane and Essendon making the finals with 10.5 wins! So with 24 rounds in a season, 18 still to go and one win a piece a 2 out of three record puts you in the finals. Nothing like fickle supporters!

Neil Craig might tell us that it’s the most exciting group he’s ever coached (dropped chest marks are exciting) but he’s not fooling me.
For Port it’s even less so, although going by recent Showdowns at least they can pencil in one more win for the season knowing they’ll be playing the Crows again on July 31. That’s a long time to wait for your next victory.
We will have the constant crowd updates each week to look forward to – Crows crowds dipping under 30,000 while at Port at least there will be more advertising space on the empty seats. This only adds weight to the Tasmanian call for a franchise.

Lots more debate on Adelaide Oval, the cost for a family to go to the football, how much Taylor Walker is going to get paid by GWS next year, why there’s so much to look forward to in season 2011 for South Australian football supporters.
So unless you support Collingwood, Geelong, Essendon or Hawthorn (maybe), all you can do is desperately hope your team finds something for a period of time during the season that can give you some belief, even if it’s ever so brief, that you could win a premiership. Otherwise you are playing for the thrill of fifth.
So what can we do to give a football season something to get excited about, a reason to turn up each week rather than doing the gardening?
What if we split the AFL into two divisions?
Currently your team’s raw odds of winning a premiership are one in 17 (next year 18) – not great odds. With a final Eight The AFL already rewards mediocrity this theory only adds to that!
Factor in the stacking of Gold Coast and GWS with money and draft picks, and the widening gap between the haves and the have-nots in the AFL, and the team you support could be looking at a Chicago Cubs-like premiership drought. If we have two divisions at least we have twice the chance of winning something. How about the Bulldogs  Premiership Drought of 54 years or St Kilda 42 Years. Swings and round abouts good recuiting and coaching. Essendon finished 14 last year What has changed? St Kilda finished top 4

Let’s not stop there, though. How about promotion and relegation battles?
In division one, let’s call it the “Premiership”; the bottom three get relegated at the end of the season.
A top four, a bottom three – surely then even the teams in the middle have something to play for. In division two, which I’ll call the “Championship”, the top three teams go up to the Premiership at the end of the season.
Different salary caps for both leagues would have to be set up, and the distribution of TV rights and money changed so that if you get promoted you have a chance to recruit some free agents.
Keep the draft the same – if you finish at the bottom of the Championship you get draft pick one – but allow free agency after only four seasons so that players can play at a higher level if they so choose.
We can expand again, giving Tasmania its much sought-after AFL licence. Surely there’s room for a team in North Queensland and the Northern Territory; and what about New Zealand? Of course these are fully untapped Pro AFL markets sureley success for Adelaide must follow. Pull your head out of your pants PENIS. If a third license were to go to any state surely WA is the only choice filling Subiaco with 40,000 plus each week or North Queensland home of rugby league hosting two teams already, do they play or care about AFL in NZ?
How about a National Cup, played between both leagues and maybe even the best teams from outside the AFL? Another trophy to win, something that feels a lot more important than winning the Foxtel, Wizard, NAB or Ansett cups.
Or, like Tottenham Hotspur, we keep playing for the thrill of fifth. At least they get to play in Europe afterwards.
- Nathan Bassett played 210 games for Adelaide and coaches Norwood in the SANFL

Then forgot what team sport and being part of a successful club culture is all about.

‘..all 110 AFL registered umpires were given an allowance to pay for Foxtel so they could study their performances and provide written reports on each game in which they officiated.’

I found this hidden gem in a Caroline (or Barry to her colleagues) Wilson article. I have no idea how I managed to negotiate my way to her online blab, but it may have been that sneaky link in the delightful ‘Artichokes for Autumn’ article I was engrossed in. There’s no other way I would read anything she writes. Unless she knows the correct way in which to sauté garlic slices.

I felt compelled to let you know about Barry’s article because it set off some alarm bells:

Firstly, that there are 110 AFL registered umpires actually running around backwards in public! The odds of one of them being found within a Dustin Fletcher torpedo of YOU are immense! And the chances that one may have helped your wife pick out a faux-leather handbag whilst at the shops is considerable. Forget Six Degrees of Separation. Try two: umpire coos and pats the missus’ hand; missus hand strokes you- flaccid thoughts.

Secondly, that the same guy who missed Chris Dawes being handcuffed by two Kangaroo defenders may actually watch Deadliest Catch. Bugger off! This is my show! I don’t share deck-space with a guy in a lime green shirt tucked into pleated shorts. I take the heat from the skipper like a man, grit my teeth and get back to the squalls without a word. I don’t go down on the deck and squeal at the green-horn “Simmo! Simmo! Simmo! Hands off the potssss! They’re mine now Simmo! Simmmmmooooo!”

And lastly, what can be so important that umpires are now writing reports? I know they can read because they can’t see without glasses. So what do they write about? Leg extensions? Poncing? Mincing? How great Juddy looks?

Demetriou's new no touch game! Or a Flag on that.

It’s my belief that the reports are collated for a New Manifesto entitled ‘Demetriou’s Rules- the Great Sport of No Contact’. Each minion, sorry, umpire, has been charged with providing Chairman Andrew with their ideas on how to rid the AFL of hideous contact such as forearm grazes to the ear or that career ender- the finger in the back.

The word on the street is that these written reports are nearing completion. The new Manifesto will be released to the joyous masses upon the introduction of the 18th team.

A new, lime-green dawn is upon us.

It’s been a pretty good World Cup, you have to admit.

Define ‘pretty good’ firstly and I might get on board. If your definition is ‘allowing teams with no actual talent to enter the sport’s premier showcase’ then I must admit you are spot on. It’s been a pretty good World Cup.

Yes, we took a long time to arrive at the eight teams that most thought would make the quarter-finals; yes, we had a lot of one-sided games, but that was factored into our expectations.

I think it has taken around an epoch to get the quarter finals to be exact – but that was my expectation so again you are right – it has been pretty good.

But favourites have occasionally stumbled and underdogs have had their moments in the sun as well.

Awesome. Teams have been skittled for 70 on numerous occasions as well and those games were pretty good. England lost to Bangladesh and Ireland AND still made the finals!

Pallekele gave us a picturesque venue.

Exactly what I’m after. Who needs a pitch which confirms with modern standards?

Indian stadiums are, apparently, looking quite nice, England practised standing on a knife’s edge, the Aussies haven’t evoked awe, and South Africa have a legspinner.

These things are pretty good how? Harsha then talks about batting powerplays and third umpre reviews. For six paragraphs….before finishing with;

So the 50-over game seems in pretty good health

So to confirm Bhogle’s theory of pretty good;

Low expectations plus lots of one sided games plus tedium plus some stadiums looking nice plus umpire reviews plus batting powerplays = Pretty good.

Personally I think it has been on a par with watching the Twilight trilogy for boredom and predictability. Unfortunately the highlight for me to date was watching fans get caned, or as the locals refer to it, lathicharged, whilst endeavouring to get tickets to a final of this shitful competition;

Good times. Pretty good times indeed.

Apparently the heat is on for Collingwood to show more respect to women.

A lewd gesture made by a Collingwood player in an official team photo has outraged fans, who have labelled it “sick” and “demeaning”.

Maybe I’m a little old and it really is finally time to invest in a pacemaker and a lifestyle vehicle but this signal means nothing to me. I’ll go with the flow and accept it means something to do with the beast with two backs. Cue faux outrage which is always in vogue;

“I’ve got a daughter and the thought of these footy players putting the vulgar gestures out there … there is something about that, that make you feel sick in the guts.”

Hopefully she never has sex with anyone ever or finds Daddy’s well hidden Peter North compilation folder on the family PC or goes to a pretentious bar because that might make you have a coronary. There are an estimated 1.6 billion other things to make you sick to the stomach and nearly a quarter of those are AFL related.

I’ll make a start and maybe our readers can complete the list?

The ‘tough man’ reputation Dale Thomas has somehow carved out.
The ‘hands in the back’ interpretation.
Draft and salary cap concessions.
That West Coast apparently still kick with the same proficiency of a set of trained seals.
‘Chopping the arms’ free kicks.
Andrew Demetriou’s ‘vision’ for the game.
The media driven Leon Davis rejuvenation hype – he’s a rich man’s Jason Cloke.
The Laws of the Game committee.
The quality of beer sold at the games.
$27 tickets to the NAB High Farce Cup.
Subiaco Oval.
Subiaco residents.
Subiaco parking – a misnomer as always.
Joffa.
Boundary Riders.
Megawall. What the fuck Channel 7? Split screen is not a megawall. Particularly on a 34cm Masuda TV.
Better Homes and Gardens and the 4 hour delay on Friday night football.
Football talk shows not involving scantily clad women which I guess is all of them. Don’t get any ideas Caroline Wilson.
Buskers playing trumpeted versions of team songs outside the ground.
Up there Cazaly.
Holy Grail by Hunters and Collectors.
Not having Lionel Richie signed for the next 10 years to be the Grand Final entertainment.
That I now prefer watching neutral NRL games.
People who take hot dogs in thermos’ to the game.